


you loved me so much it hurt

by charlotteqfton



Series: death note oneshots(?) [3]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, F/M, Found Family, Gen, Grieving, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Suicide, Mourning, OOC, Out of Character, Spoiler Alert - Freeform, comfort (kinda), it’s you, letter format, like i don’t give my ocs names unless it’s a codename, okay it may be an OC but i never say a name so u can imagine it’s u, takes place after higuchi is caught, this is basically L venting lol, uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27168526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlotteqfton/pseuds/charlotteqfton
Summary: L and a certain girl have been close for years. it only takes one mistake to rip her away from him.(wOoAh cool summary lmao)
Relationships: L & Watari | Quillsh Wammy, L (Death Note)/Original Female Character(s), L (Death Note)/Reader
Series: death note oneshots(?) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2103795
Kudos: 20





	you loved me so much it hurt

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh i wrote this up in like two days lol. i’m actually writing a collection of oneshots for this character and L so yeah. L’s probably out of character and sorry. i just have a thing for writing grief i guess. but this is basically another AU where L meets girl. it’s pretty run of the mill.

honestly, i don’t know why i’m writing this. it seems completely idiotic unnecessary and just a tad dramatic. but i think about you and i think... you idiot. you knew you didn’t have my deduction skills. you knew you weren’t the greatest liar in the world. you knew you weren’t prepared. but you still sneaked out of me and watari’s grasp and tried to persuade misa amane. you knew i would have told you, “no. misa amane is intensely loyal to light and if he’s kira, she will most likely kill you”. i’m guessing you knew this yourself as well. you probably thought, “well she’s just a traumatized child and i think she can be persuaded to the good side”. perhaps you didn’t understand what i meant by, “misa amane would kill for light”. 

you died today at exactly 11:00pm. you were dutifully emailing parents of children, giving them tips. and then you suddenly turned to me. i could see that usual spark in your eye had long passed. you said, “hey you know i hate you right? i hate you.” i almost snarked back but you then stood up and walked away. i asked where you were going and you just replied, “to my room”. i looked for a moment but didn’t bother, assuming you were just in one of your moods after a particularly messed up case. oh how wrong was i? i walked into your room at 2am to be greeted with your lifeless figure. dangling off the ceiling. i felt no tears shoot to my eyes. but i could feel the tremor in my hand when i debated if this was real or not. it wounded me that i had to see someone who i admired hung once again, like with A. 

watari never put cameras in our rooms, he wanted to but i said no. i said no and now we’re here. you know, watari doesn’t cry much? this is the first i’ve seen him cry in about 15 years. perhaps it’s cause, we’re the best things that happened to him. or maybe hes just not emotional. but he cried. when i had woefully informed him of your passing and asked that he send your body to the orphanage and have them bury your body there,  
he gasped and shook my shoulders asking where you were. we walked back down to your room and there you were once again. not a dream. not one of the nightmares i have about losing you and Watari everyday. it was real.

his shocked face turned to one of somber as he weeped. i stood back and watched as he untangle the belt from the ceiling and lay you down on the floor. he wasn’t in denial. he completely knew you were gone but he still cradled you like his own child. and i suppose you were. we both were. but he weeped over your dead body as i watched from the doorframe. i must’ve not realized i was crying since Mr.Wammy told me to come over there. so we cried. it felt like everything was coming undone. i wish you were still with me. Mr. Wammy sent your body on an airplane to my successor orphanage and emailed Roger that you were dead and would need a burial. it hurt to remember that we couldn’t be there. 

when i saw you all those years ago in the orphanage, you looked so broken. more broken than the other kids there. yet you continued to care for the children. everyday. you were such an enigma to me and at the same time, i could relate. so i told Mr. Wammy to give me the details on your case. it didn’t take much for you to be persuaded to cooperate. over the four months your case took, you got more attached to me. and i learned that you were torn up about your family, yes of course you were. but you still allowed these children to burrow their way into your heart. it wasn’t a means of coping, at least i don’t think so. it was just in your nature to still take care of children. you were still grieving and were traumatized but you found that helping the children was more important. and over time i got attached to you as well.

i never wanted to love again. not after my parents. not after everything that happened in my own past. so when you told me you loved me a year later, i brushed it off. at the time, i was already realizing that i was starting to truly love Mr. Wammy but that couldn’t happen. it couldn’t be. but you didn’t say it as a love confession, as i often saw in the orphanage. it wasn’t a grand gesture. it was a simply stated fact that you said in casual conversation. loving for you was so easy. when it was so hard for me. you expected nothing of return when you said you loved me. you loved children, even though you lost your own. and there’s only one thing i realize now. i loved you as well. it wasn’t romantic love. it wasn’t familial love. it was a love that couldn’t be put into words, it was scary. it was awful to love someone. that’s why it hurt to see you cry after B ran away and A passed. it hurt to see you smile at the other children as you cared to them for only an hour, cause you couldn’t bear being around them for more. when i knew all you’d do when you went back to your room was mourn. it hurt when you ignored my knocks at the door, wondering if you’d like to do something that day. and it hurt when the kids would look to me and ask when you would come back. even though they didn’t know me as L, they knew you and me were close. you loved A and B. and that’s when it was cemented in my head that love is truly a terrifying thing. i’m a coward who can barely love. i’m a coward who can’t love that well. and now you’re gone. you’re gone and i’m still here. 

i never wanted you to work on cases with me. it was too dangerous. it wasn’t part of the plan. but you were so heart broken over A and B that i brought you along with me to solve crime. you needed another place to outsource yourself to. you worked with children and helped with trauma, you could coax help out of a child or shake your head to tell us that they truly couldn’t at the moment. you helped with grieving parents and gave tips for them who lost their family. you were the heart i couldn’t output into a case. i eased their questions of why and you helped them accept. it was fine like that, in fact i enjoyed it. the greatest detective and his partner in the shadows. everyone knew your face when i couldn’t afford to show anyone mine. but then kira appeared. 

it was the most appalling case i’d ever seen. but it was also the most dangerous. i couldn’t risk you dying. i knew Mr. Wammy may die as well but he’d die with me and we were both prepared for that. a long time ago, we came to the silent acceptance that we’d die and we were prepared. and then we’d turn our attention to you, the young woman wanting to save children. i argued with you for hours. i’d say it was too dangerous and you should go to Wammy’s to talk to the my future successors. i thought you’d agree, you loved the children the one time we saw them on the laptop. but you fought back and screamed at me. i think arguing is unnecessary and being passive was far more helpful. but you made it so easy. you make me feel so vulnerable. you cried, grabbed my shirt and sobbed into it. you said, “if you’re going to risk your life then i am too Lawliet”. i told you that you couldn’t. you couldn’t. i couldn’t live without you. but you deserved so much more. you deserve to live. you’re the only person i’ve loved in years besides Mr. Wammy. you couldn’t die. you just couldn’t. but i looked down at your broken figure, holding me like i’d disappear with a flick of the wrist... i relented and told Mr. Wammy that you were coming with us much to his chagrin. and you were so happy. so happy you could do it with us. so happy we could all be together like always. you deserved so much more and you died before either of us. 

i have a feeling i’ll meet you very soon. we’re testing out the death note’s 13 day rule soon. if it will truly prove light’s innocence, which i doubt. i don’t know how it’ll happen but i’m guessing i will die soon. light wouldn’t let me do the test if he’s truly kira. he probably has a plan set up. he’s been different ever since we got the death note. i wonder if since the days of his imprisonment, it’s all been leading up to a plan. probably. it’d fit his profile. if he kills me, i hope he kills Mr. Wammy as well. i don’t think he can bear losing another child. i hope he kills me as well if he kills Mr. Wammy first. since you’re no longer here to hold up your side of the agreement. that you’d take over for Mr. Wammy if something ever happened to him. 

i’m sorry i couldn’t protect you. i should’ve done more. there were 79 different ways i could have protected you. and i didn’t. my resolve and deduction skills always faltered when it came to you. you always somehow managed to lull me to your argument. i’m sorry. i know it won’t bring you back. but i am sorry. i miss you. i miss your smiles. i miss the way you’d steal my desserts even though i’d always chastise you in the moment. i miss seeing you act soft to the touch with kids and become professional and curt the second you stop. i miss the way we’d walk into eachother’s room at 2am cause working in eachother’s presence was better than alone. i miss you. i never realized how lonely i was without you. i’m so lonely. i’m childish, lonely, and i’m the worlds greatest detective.

**Author's Note:**

> i based a lot of stuff off of fanfics on fanfiction.net so yeah.


End file.
